A film, by Morgan Kosinski and Casey Lane
***Be advised, we write the jokes, we’re not so much ‘storytellers’, sooooooooo…you’ll notice an absence of narrative, action, and character development. In related news, we’re looking for a third collaborator. Especially one with cash. Ok, byeeeeeeeeee! ***
CHUCK and LUCY are two lifelong friends, recently re-connected, and leading very different lives. Both now in their late thirties, LUCY became a wife and mother, and lives a calm suburban life, while CHUCK is a divorced, former party boy, looking for love in all the wrong places.
INT. HOCKEY RINK / CHUCK’S APARTMENT – LUCY sits watching a youth hockey game, and CHUCK sits in a sparsely decorated apartment. Dialogue happens via text overlay or phone conversation.
CHUCK
Where are you now?
LUCY
I’m literally freezing my ass of at my older son’s hockey game. These bleachers are like sitting directly on the North Pole.
CHUCK
You’re such a ‘Palin’. Please tell me your kids name is shifter, or some other part of a snowmobile.
LUCY
Have you been watching Teen Mom again? But you make a fair point. Admittedly I did have ‘Stryker’ on the short list, but then he’d have to grow up to be one of the X-Men…or a stripper.
CHUCK
With an ‘i’ he might of stood a chance. Speaking of, ‘Chance’ woulda sucked too.
LUCY
Chance is an alcoholic with impotency issues…and a thin mustache.
CHUCK
Like an 80’s pizza man?
LUCY
Like the guy who sells those Dead Sea crystals at a kiosk in the mall.
INT: BEDROOMS – Dialogue via text overlay
LUCY
So you’re like, totally off social media now, right?
CHUCK
Yes.
LUCY
So…what’s it like?
CHUCK
Amazing. I feel so much better.
(Pause. Ellipsis)
CHUCK
Well, not so much better, but I don’t hate myself as much. And I’ve been able to really devote myself TO myself.
LUCY
So your jerk is at an epic place then, lol.
CHUCK
Girl- it’s been like a dick renaissance. Like I’m a freaking poet.
LUCY
Shakespeare would weep.
INT./EXT. KITCHEN AND CAR – Dialogue via text overlay.
CHUCK
Sup yo?
LUCY
I got my hair cut today!
CHUCK
Pic pls
LUCY
Just so we’re clear, I’m not topless.
CHUCK
Nvm then.
INT. BOTH SITTING ON COUCHES – Talking on the phone, still split screen.
CHUCK
I hate being single.
LUCY
I can’t even imagine. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to start dating again…especially since is basically all online now. Whatever happened to just meeting someone at a bar?
CHUCK
Charming a drunk girl for her number…
LUCY
Right? Romance.
CHUCK
It’s all be replaced by digital foreplay.
LUCY
Digital foreplay?
CHUCK
It used to be all about my smile and witty style. Now it’s all about how fast my thumbs can type out acronyms I’m not really sure I understand.
LUCY
Funny how it all comes back down to the adept use of your fingers.
CHUCK
Hashtag shocker.
LUCY
Touche.
INT./EXT. LUCY AT A KIDS PRACTICE, CHUCK IS IN A CAR – Text or phone convo.
LUCY
How is your work trip going?
CHUCK
A nightmare.
LUCY
Where are you again?
CHUCK
Vegas for 10 days.
LUCY
My body literally just had a physical reaction to that statement. Good Lord, are you just a mess?
CHUCK
Me? No.
LUCY
Chuck, I’m honestly shocked and really happy for you! You’re truly committed to wellness!
CHUCK
No, Lucy. Nobody has a good time in Vegas if you’re broke.
LUCY
Oh. I’m sorry. But still, it can’t be that bad.
CHUCK
Well, if you call being stuck in a stale hotel room, watching cable with a wild raspberry wine cooler, ALONE, not that bad, then…
LUCY
When did you start drinking wine coolers?
CHUCK
I didn’t. It was free. Leftover from one of my crew’s ‘dates’ last night.
LUCY
Please tell me it wasn’t that kind of date.
CHUCK
I really wish I could.
LUCY
Yikes. And she brought over wine coolers too?
CHUCK
Yeah girl. Like Amazon prime.
INT. BOTH SITTING AT COMPUTERS – Text or phone convo.
CHUCK
I need you help.
LUCY
Ok- what’s up?
CHUCK
I decided to try online dating, and I need a tagline for my profile. Something that sells me- white lies mixed with a dry truth.
LUCY
Sounds French. Ok- let me think…How about: Robust irishman who loves music and surfing.
CHUCK
That makes me sound like a fat Jack Johnson.
LUCY
Fair point.
CHUCK
‘Charming and chubby seeks dime piece who doesn’t mind sharing my towel.’
LUCY
You sound like such a diplomat!
CHUCK
Speaking of statesmen…did you hear about Dennis Hof?
LUCY
That guy who owns the Bunny Ranch? From that HBO show?
CHUCK
Yup. He died. Ron Jeremy found him.
LUCY
A fate worse than death.
CHUCK
Dear God, I hope Ron Jeremy never finds me dead.
LUCY
I think we just found your tag line.
INT. HIGH END MEN’S FASHION STORE
CHUCK
It smells like leather and privilege in here.
LUCY
I know. I feel like I’m about to be asked where my hotter friend is, and then be felt up walking to the bathroom. But, this is one of the best stores in the city.
CHUCK
I can’t afford anything here!
LUCY
We’re just here to try stuff on, then we find it cheaper somewhere else.
CHUCK
You literally just became my mother just now. If you have hand sanitizer in your purse, I’m walking the fuck out.
LUCY
Relax…come to think of it, I do have a granola bar. Are you hungry? Although it’s best not to eat before trying things on…
CHUCK
(Interrupts)
Lucy! Seriously.
LUCY
OK. Let’s just relax. Walk around. See what they have.
CHUCK
(under his breath)
When did everything get so tight? And why do the mannequins have abs visible they their button down’s. That mannequin can eat a…
LUCY
(across the store)
Oh! Chuck
(takes a deep breath)
Look at these…
(caresses a pair of pants)
These are really nice.
CHUCK
(walks over, scowls at pants)
Lucy, you can’t be serious.
LUCY
(handling and still cooing over pants)
Now THESE are pants…holy shit they are pants.
CHUCK
(grabs pants from LUCY)
I’ve never seen anyone get so aroused by pants. Good lord…
LUCY
(under her breath)
The kind of pants I’d like to rip off with my teeth…
CHUCK
What?!
LUCY
(snaps out of it)
What?
CHUCK
Lucy: These pants are linen. DO you know what happens when anyone with even an inch of body fat wears FITTED linen pants? God help me if it’s hot out and I start to sweat…and then the chaffing. LINEN CHAFFING. Like getting whipped by a ghost with the flu.
LUCY
(shrugs and looks wistfully back at pants)
Honestly, I don’t think anyone who can wear these pants keeps them on for very long anyways…
(takes a last look and places pants back on rack)
And I bet they NEVER suffer from ball sweat. Not that you, do of course.
CHUCK
Five minutes and I already feel terrible about myself. Can’t we just go to JC Penny?
LUCY
You’re not wearing break-aways or Jordache on your first date since the divorce.
CHUCK
I’ve had dates.
LUCY
Rolling over to find a female in the t-shirts sheets you’ve had since high school doesn’t count as a ‘date’. Especially if they paid for all their own drinks.
CHUCK
Women’s liberation, Lucy. I’m just supporting the cause.
LUCY
(rolls her eyes, moves to another rack, lifts a blue cotton button down shirt)
What about this?
CHUCK
That’s something I’d wear on a job interview.
LUCY
Well, it’s kinda…
CHUCK
No.
(spies something across the store)
This is pretty dope. What about this?
LUCY
Although I should disregard anything you’d refer to as ‘dope’ let me see.
CHUCK
(Holds up an outdated Ed Hardy snap front. It has lots of color and is entirely over designed)
LUCY
(wide eyed)
Okay…I mean, it’s kinda, I don’t know…
CHUCK
I’m gonna try it on
LUCY
That size looks too big, hold on just a sec.
CHUCK
I like my shirts to fit loose. Mind ya
(he waves her away and goes to find a fitting room)
LUCY
Let me see when you have it on!
CHUCK
No chance.
LUCY
(sighs. Hears her phone vibrating, she picks it up and answers it)
Karen! Hey!
(pause)
Yes, I’m here with Chuck. We’re trying to shop.
(pause)
Tell me about it.
(pause)
Well, I tried, but given the freedom to choose on his own, he carefully selected the one shirt thats gonna make him look like a baggy rhinestone cowboy.
(pause)
(laughs)
CHUCK
(Returns from fitting room)
I like it.
LUCY
(Into phone)
Yup, he just said he likes it.
CHUCK
Who is that?
LUCY
Karen. And she agrees you should be wary of a shirt that’s designed after an aggressive back tattoo.
CHUCK
Tell Karen it’s after her tramp stamp. THEN tell her…
LUCY
(into phone)
Ok, I’m gonna let you go.
(hangs up phone)
CHUCK
You know, I never trust anyone named Karen.
LUCY
What? You don’t even know her.
CHUCK
Lucy- every Karen is the same: Karen’s write passive aggressive reviews on YELP. They think authentic Italian food is The Olive Garden. They DVR all the Guy Fieri shows. Karen’s are terrible.
INT. CHUCK’S CAR – CHUCK sits parked waiting for LUCY. He is wearing a flannel shirt and black baseball cap. LUCY walks up and gets in the car. She is wearing a cocktail dress and is very made up.
CHUCK
(at the same time)
What are you wearing?!
LUCY
What are you wearing?!
CHUCK
You look like you’re going to a wedding. Why are you so dressed up?
LUCY
You said we were going out to meet women, I assumed that meant ‘going out’ Why are you dressed like Ice Cube?
CHUCK
This is my best shirt!
LUCY
Seriously, you look like an angry lumberjack.
CHUCK
Should I lose the hat?
(he removes the hat and looks nervously in the rearview mirror. His hair is overgrown and wild.)
LUCY
(puts head in hands)
Ugh, it’s better with the hat.
CHUCK
You know, I look just fine. Approachable. It’s your fancy shit that’s throwing off my look.
LUCY
My shit? You can’t possibly be serious.
CHUCK
You look like a wedding singer. Or a hostess at a high-end strip club.
LUCY
(glares at CHUCK)
CHUCK
What? There are some very nice ones…
LUCY
(pulls down visor, looks at mirror)
Well- should I go back in and change?
CHUCK
(starts the car)
Nah, I’ll just tell everyone you’re a magicians assistant. It will make for a great ice breaker.
LUCY
Don’t you dare…
(the car begins to pull away)
Wait! Where are were even going? Am I honestly too overdressed?
CHUCK
Hell no. I go there all the time and people dress all kinds of ways.
LUCY
Really?
(relieved)
Great!
(flips back up visor, visibly relaxes)
I’m ready for a little adventure, and honestly I’m so excited for a night out! Sorry I gave you a hard time about your outfit. You look very nice, and I’m sure the ladies will find you very likable.
CHUCK
(annoyed)
Please don’t call it an outfit, Lucy.
EXT. PARKING LOT – View of car, tight on windshield. CHUCK and LUCY are staring at the marquee of the establishment. The neon colors are reflecting on the windshield, but we can’t read what it says, or where they are.
LUCY
You’ve got to be kidding me.
CHUCK
This is my spot.
LUCY
(raises her hands to her temples)
Holy God- there is no way.
CHUCK
Don’t be such a snob. This place has it all.
LUCY
(falls back against seat, shuts her eyes)
Now I understand the outfit choice.
CHUCK
(raises hands)
Dammit Lucy, it’s not an outfit. God. You have, like, zero street cred.
LUCY
And you do?
CHUCK
Hell yeah.
LUCY
The only street credit you have is your stack of unpaid parking tickets.
CHUCK
That meter maid is pissed I won’t let her put my dick in her mouth.
Those tickets are a sexist aggression against me that I plan to fight in court.
LUCY
Will that be your opening line with the ladies here tonight?
CHUCK
Of course not.
(he opens his car door and begins to get out)
This place is classy.
INT: DAVE AND BUSTERS RESTUARANT AND ARCADE – As they walk in. CHUCK is greeting various employees. Obviously, he is a regular. Lucky follows closely behind, looking uncomfortable. She fidgets and tries to cover her cocktail dress with her arms and purse. They walk up to a bar.
BARTENDER
Chuck! Bro, good to see you. Who is this? Is this your sister?
CHUCK
Not all red-heads are related.
BARTENDER
She’s too hot to be related to you anyways.
LUCY
(flattered and pleased by this compliment, she straightens up, and removes her purse and arms to expose her dress.)
Oh, thank you.
(she flips her hair)
We’re old friends.
BARTENDER
(Looks directly in to her cleavage)
Yo, I wouldn’t want to be related to someone with a body like that, either, you feel me?
(he CHUCK a high-five)
LUCY
(scowls and covers herself back up)
I need a drink.
CHUCK
Get whatever you want.
(He slaps down a card with the D&B logo)
It’s on me tonight!
LUCY
Is that a special credit card?
(she picks up the card and examines it)
CHUCK
No. It’s a loyalty card. I get comps and perks.
(he says proudly)
I’m a VIP here!
LUCY
How often do you come here?
BARTENDER
We call him ‘The Mayor.’
LUCY
Oh, Chuck…
CHUCK
Hey- don’t be shitty. This place is lit. Drinks, good food, games, and hot single moms with low self-esteems. It’s economical too. Last year I earned enough tickets fro a food processor. It was the first christmas I gave my parents a gift I didn’t get with a ‘proof of purchase.’ They were so proud they wrote me a check for five bills!
(he smiles proudly)
LUCY
(She stares and then looks at the bartender)
I’ll take a Long Island and a shot of jager, please.
(The BARTENDER and CHUCK both give her shocked looks)
What? This is my first night out in years.
The kids and husband are safely at home. No better time to earn that street credit, right?
BARTENDER
She said credit.
(laughs.)
Makrosmic 